there are just times in my life when i feel like i just need someone to cry on or sometimes i feel like it's not worth the misery carrying on. this is one of those times. everyone around me seems to be frowning at me. at something i do or something i say. i feel as if the people around me are critisizing me constantly even if they do not know me. strangers stare at me and shake their heads like i'm some freak show or animal. this isn't the life i want. why can't i just have a carefree life where everyone is happy and no one is critical about other people and everyone loves themselves and each other the way they are. sadly that's just not possible. people always think i don't deserve to be in 2/1. they don't say it to me, but i know what they say. teachers wonder, how exactly did this girl get into 2/1. i have no answers for them. maybe it was god's will for me to go to ij. maybe he had something for me to do there, maybe a new experience awaits me. maybe i'm supposed to be there for four years and maybe, just maybe, these may be the best four years of my life. but from the way my life is now, i'm not too sure if it will be the best. somehow, even though i tell myself not to let other people's thoughts of me affect me, it still does in some way. i always knew i diddn't fit into 2/1. i was way below the standard of the rest of the class in sec 1 and everyone had sky-high psle scores, while i was just mediocre. if i had gone to sac, maybe i would have led the same life as i did in primary school. doing ok, and mucking about. maybe not. you never know wad might had happened if u did not do things a certain way. i think i am happy with my decision on applying to ij, though i miss some of sac's traditions. i don't want to grow up with a lifetime of regrets. i don't want to grow up saying, i could have or would have or should have. those are words which shows a person's pessimism and fickle mindedness it also shows the amount of confidence a person has in herself when she makes decisions. i cannot say that i really have much confidence in myself when i'm making decisions, but i guess i'm trying. maybe i'll get better at that when i grow up.

Labels: god, reflection